True Love Advice – Talking Styles
Obviously, men and women communicate with different basic styles. Women will often talk to connect. Men will usually talk to make points and problem solve.
Clearly this can cause problems in relationships. We can end up arguing or not feeling heard. So understanding more of your talking style and your mate’s can help further intimacy between you.
A basic guy talking style is to make points and take charge in a conversation. As you know, men are more territorial by genetics. They like to dominate parts of a conversation. They may interrupt a lot. They may try to make points loud and clear. They may try to argue and “defend” their points.
Also, men like to problem solve. It is the hunter killer instinct. If there is a deer and you need meat, you have to kill the deer. If there is a problem, then you have to kill the problem. You have to solve it if you can. So men like to identify problems (the boss sucks, your sister is a mess) and then, whenever possible, offer solutions (you should get a new job, your should tell your sister to stop being a doormat). Just note that men don’t have to have good solutions, but they will offer them up.
On the other hand, a basic female talking style is to connect and consider things. Sure, women can solve problems. But often they communicate as a way to connect and think out loud. They don’t wait to talk til they’ve got a problem and solution. They don’t need to get somewhere in the conversation.
A woman will say their boss sucks, then share that the boss is having a hard time in their relationship. They are connecting with their mate, sharing their process. They aren’t trying to drive a point home or get to big final resolution. They can make points that seem unrelated.
This of course drives men up the wall. You’ve identified the deer, the boss who sucks. Then sharing that the deer is having problems with Bambi’s dad is not relevant to the guy. Are you going to shoot the darn deer by quitting your job or are you going to offer it therapy?
The way the sexes communicate differently is vast. But if you get that men like to make clear points and kill off problems, and that women often like to communicate to share and connect and reflect, you are off to a great start. Then you can try this: take some time each week to communicate in your mate’s style, not yours, and see what happens.